You know, sometimes I wish you would stop being so healthy… Like yes, your biceps are bulging, your abs are chiseled, your legs are sculpted, and your jawline is sharper than my eyeliner, but don’t you get tired of all that running, swimming, lifting, eating well, and general self-care? I know I do. Your consistent healthy lifestyle hinders me from being a lazy bum in peace, and I don’t appreciate being guilted into working out and eating salads. Ignorance is bliss, and I would like to be able to eat this chocolate and lie on my bed whilst scrolling through Instagram without being reminded that “I am what I eat” or seeing that you just spent the past three hours at the gym.
There are times when I like watching “behind-the-scene” footage. For instance, seeing how Hogwarts goes from muggle to magical, watching Legolas and Aragorn practice their sexy fight scenes, and observing as the voice actors of Moana fill 2-D characters with three dimensional life… Unfortunately, witnessing you transform from Dr. Banner into the Hulk is not one of those times.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I think you should stop being so healthy. My thirsty self would be very sad if you did. Just… preserve some mystery please… Now if you would excuse me as I go finish this bag of chips. Thanks.